How To Be Funny, Tell Jokes, Develop Witt and Become Popular

Let’s talk about gas. No, not the price of gas – though in this instance the price can be quite costly – we’re talking farts here, people. Silent But Deadly, Rippers and the Terd Burglars who are frequent offenders.

An old friend once gave me a copy of “Everyone Poops,” by Taro Gomi. It’s a great book for young kids and anyone who finds that sort of crap humorous (pun intended). While the ol’ Number Two happens to everyone, there’s a fine art involved with letting gas slide on the sly and doing the doo in public. So sit back and enjoy as StinksNThings.com takes a crap, er, crack at the do’s and don’ts of taking care everyone’s of business in a place of business.

It all starts with the fart, remember that kids. And when you feel nature’s call about to rear its ugly (turtle) head, think of yourself as a Crop Duster and go for a brisk walk around the office and share the wealth (or misfortune) of all that dairy you had for breakfast. One key tip in making the fart rounds – make sure you don’t bring your stink trail back to your cubicle, or you might as well may have sprayed Liquid Ass at your desk.

Once you’ve released your gaseous fumes but know that there’s a certain Act Number Two to follow, it’s time to start plotting your course of action. There’s the old Fly By – scouting your nearest bathroom for occupants – or go on the hunt for Safe Havens, those rarely used bathrooms further from your desk and less likely to get you the nickname Super Pooper.

Now that you’ve found a stall and you’re ready to release the hounds, it’s time to go on tactical alert: Once you’ve taken a seat, anything can happen. Be prepared for the Jail Break – the machine-gun ripping farts whose surprise attack even surprised you. But worse than the Jail Break – by far more embarrassing as well – is the Watermelon. That’s right, the Watermelon: a poo that is so enormous that it creates a splash loud enough to win eight Olympic gold medals. While the Watermelon can empty some water from the bowl, it pales in comparison to the Havana Omelette – yep, diarrhea that creates not one, not two, but a full series of loud splashes. The farts that often go along with the doo are just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the smell that will curl your eyelashes. The stench is so bad that it’s like having a seventh grade flashback to when you first learned of the potency of stink bombs when you mistakenly broke one in your pocket. The stench seems to follow you for hours. But don’t worry, Stinks’, and our years of public pooping, can help.

While everyone will have these unfortunate events happen at the most inopportune times, there is hope in saving your oh-so-valuable reputation: the Courtesy Flush. When the turtle’s head severs, hit the flusher. Don’t wait, just do it. You’ll save yourself – and the Uncle Ted bathroom lingerer – from being tormented by the sad scent of last night’s bar tab. And if that solution isn’t subtle enough, try the Camo-Cough, your smoker’s cough that covers the splash – but not the stench – of your burrito.

So just remember that while there are limited ways to concealing nature’s less-than-great miracles, the only true safe way to do the doo is to do it at home.

Author Recommends to check out Buy Drinking Stuff Gag Gifts and Pranks Ideas.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/stinky-stevens-guide-to-gassy-moments-pooping-at-work-1074265.html

Everyone does it. Nobody wants to admit it…Passing gas. Farting. Or worse, sharting — eeck! And just like most are quick to blame their neighbor in cubicle land for that silent but deadly one, everyone has a term for it.

So behold The Fart List! I’m starting with the first 100 terms I found. It’s here that you’ll find every term for that funny act of  ass rumbling:  from the classic (Flatulence) to the crazy (the Mariah Carey), just let  one rip and have fun reading.

Please help me build the biggest list of names for farts on Facebook!  Share your comments and additions to this List on my FACEBOOK GROUP, “MY BIG FAT FART LIST.“

The First 100…

1. Air biscuit
2. Anal acoustics
3. Arse cruncher
4. Ass explosions
5. Ass rumble
6. Assignation
7. Backfire
8. Balloon fart
9. Barking spider
10. Barn burner
11. Backdraft
12. Backwards burp
13. Beefer
14. Bender
15. Black cloud
16. Blanket ripper
17. Blowing dust
18. Blowing off steam
19. Blowing the trumpet
20. Booty bomb
21. Bowel howel
22. Break wind
23. Breezers
24. Brown mist
25. Brown thumper
26. Cheek flapper
27. Country cough
28. Crop dusting
29. Cut the cheese
30. Cut one
31. Dairy doozie
32. Dropping a bomb
33. Emission
34. Escapee
35. Fartknocker
36. Flame-thrower
37. Flatulence
38. Fly by
39. Foghorn
40. Green fog
41. Grumpys
42. Harley Davidsons
43. Hershey squirt
44. Honker
45. Jailbreak
46. Lay an egg
47. Let a toot then shoot
48. Let one fly
49. Let one rip
50. Lingerer
51. Loud but proud
52. Low rider
53. Machine gunners
54. Make a stink
55. Makin’ rainbows
56. Mariah Carey (because her voice)
57. Matchlighter
58. Muff guff
59. Nether belch
60. Nut knocker
61. One cheek sneak
62. Paint peeler
63. Pass gas
64. Pfffft
65. Playing the butt tuba
66. Poot
67. Popcorn
68. Poppers
69. Puffer
70. Queef
71. Racing stripes
72. Rapid fire
73. Releasing the hounds
74. Rippers
75. Roar from the rear
76. Rumbler
77. Running buffalos
78. Shart
79. Shoots
80. Shooting the breeze
81. Singing elephants
82. Sporting ducks
83. Stench trail
84. Silent but deadly
85. Silent but violent
86. Skunk
87. Stink bomb
88. Stink pot
89. Stinkin’ up the battleship
90. Squeeze me’s
91. Tankers
92. Tear-jerker
93. Thunder from down under
94. Toot
95. Trouser cough
96. Water bubbles
97. Wet willy
98. Windmaker
99. Window rattler
100. Zipper

So whether you’re loud but proud or silent but deadly, rest assured that as time (and gas) passes, more terms will be coined for the stinker in you.

Author Recommends to Buy Card Games and Pranks Ideas and also Buy Christmas Gift Pranks Ideas.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/my-big-fat-fart-list-1074266.html

Stress is something that is in each of our lives and is tricky to fend off. For most of us there are many problems with work and in the home that it may be so hard to avert the strains that come with the territory. There are several methods in which we can lighten that stress – but a great deal times they are too dear.

Most believe that having a massage assists to assuage the tension in the muscles and to unwind your mind – but dropping $200 on this can make things tougher in the long run for individuals who do not have the ability to afford it.

Rather then attempting to spend loads of money on things that will only help for a few hours or days why not get something more entertaining and productive. They think that laughter is the best medicine and this is very true. Search for funny jokes that will make your face feel weak because you are laughing or smiling way too much.

There are literally thousands of one liners, lawyer jokes, and even a few dirty jokes that will be able to lighten up our day if just for a couple of minutes. If you are having a challenging time attempting to get them then you will be able to ask somebody to sharegive you what they know.

Anytime that you acquire a funny stupid joke and it makes you laugh and sets a smile on your face where there was once a frown then share it. You never know who may be having a difficult time right now and who needs something to lighten up their day and to show them that there is fun in the world.

Learn how you can remove stress with some great Stupid Jokes. Also get your hands on some Funny Bumper Stickers.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/learn-how-to-laugh-and-let-go-of-stress-1074141.html

Watch some of great Australian kids show and learn what type of personality that you have to create in order to organize Australian kids show.

Old second hand tux & top hat will no longer work in your Australian kids show. Children are very savvy nowadays. Children do not understand cues in live Australian kids show performance, which are very common. Now kids are raised in age of TV. Not very bad thing, except laugh tracks will tell kids when to laugh.

If no laugh tracks then children are all left-out in cold and they are fast and can get up to pace within no time, however they want your help to start Australian kids show.

Same problem exists with clap. Kids are not at all used to clapping when Australian kids show is going on. They do not understand applause cues and those timed applause cues can leave you & your audience with uncomfortable silence.

One of your important tasks as Australian kids show magician is opening. Beginning of your Australian kids show should do all these things:

Establish audience control and even in school kids are all taught to stay in authority. For reason, lots of Australian kids show magicians forget to put authority in their show. Result resembles saloon brawl in a wild west. In case you want to begin your career in Australian kids show magician, then think about that very seriously. Children are brutally honest and there is not anything that is tougher and more satisfying than to have great Australian kids show.

Being children magician might not be the simplest way to become part time skilled magician however it sure is lots of fun. If you want more information on the magic tricks and show you can visit on the sites online.

Magic Mike is a Magician Brisbane and an avid writer and who can easily make children laugh.With eighteen years experience and commitment to entertaining kids of all age groups Mike has performed at hundreds of venues from Birthday Parties, Child Care Centers, Clubs, School fetes to Shopping Centers, corporate and private functions. For more details please visit Australian kids show.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/australian-kids-show-how-to-carry-forward-1068663.html

By leaving party birthday entertainment to the professional entertainers, then you can focus on logistics of party all while making sure that event is successful & enjoyable for children and you.

Picking birthday entertainment that is appropriate for your kids age group
The party birthday entertainment that is just right for 1 to 3 year olds will not be appropriate for party of 9 to 12 year olds. Base decision of what type of birthday entertainment that you hire on age group of children attending your party. Kids between ages of 1 to 3 years old require birthday entertainment, which is simple to digest. Kids in this group have short attention so they will not be able to focus on the long performances. Perfect party birthday entertainment for this group will be someone who is dressed in Barney suit and other famous character in order to give out the balloons and dance with kids.

Few people mistakenly select clowns as the birthday entertainment in parties for 1 to 3 year old group, realizing it is big mistake when clown scares all the children in presence. Lots of children and some adults are also scared of the clowns due to their dramatic make up & bizarre costumes. Also it is not very good idea to hire any clowns as the birthday entertainers for the parties and catering to young kids unless your aim is making them cry. Kids from ages 4 to 8 enjoy interactive birthday entertainment, which involves lots of movement, jokes as well as activities. It is simpler to hire birthday entertainment for this group because children are very open to various birthday entertainment styles. Magicians, jugglers as well as puppeteers are all perfect birthday entertainment for this group. Kids in this group look in amazement while they see magician performing an interesting magic tricks.

Magic Mike is a Magician Brisbane and an avid writer and who can easily make children laugh.With eighteen years experience and commitment to entertaining kids of all age groups Mike has performed at hundreds of venues from Birthday Parties, Child Care Centers, Clubs, School fetes to Shopping Centers, corporate and private functions. For more details please visit Birthday Entertainment.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/birthday-entertainment-leave-it-to-a-professional-magician-brisbane-1068664.html

Hasan Yahya, Ph.D

 As a tourist, you may think that Europeans have good knowledge about America and Americans. After few days, you discover some misconception as true, and other misconceptions are false.

This article will describe several misconceptions about America in general and Americans in particular. Some are true or closer to be true, while other misconception are not true. Americans are fatty people, they talk loud, America is careless toward other nations, especially the Europeans. They show that they are Americans, or short answer: USA, instead of saying the United States of America. Americans have no passports.  Americans are ignorant in geography like Europeans,  Americans usually do not answer a question, instead they ask question to the question. I am from Michigan, Americans say. When they are asked, Michigan where is it? They say the State as if persons know. The annoying phrase for South American and north American people is when Americans say I am from America, not from the USA.

However, there are misconceptions which can be described as false about America and Americans. For example, The social system in America is different from the European social systems. Americans are socialists, or having a dictator. People in Europe tend to think that Americans think as Europeans, but the president has the power of a dictator. For Europeans, America is imperial system and manifest destiny, where it take over other countries. In terms of freedom of speech, Americans can silence the president, the press and censor the bad comments. Europeans think that unemployment among Americans is high. That Americans have no common culture, because of immigration of different races. Europeans think that Americans have no religion like themselves and therefore, atheists. American speak Spanish. Look dumpy as Americans. Have little experience because they do not travel abroad. Their language is not ruled as classical English.

In terms of conspiracy theory, the Hollywood movies,   prove such theory. About women in America, all women have breast implants. They think that the world hates Americans, and deny Europeans have a problem with America. Furthermore, Americans are perceived  as cowboys with large hats on their heads which is not true. Finally, Americans have difficult times to have visas to enter countries in Europe or the other nations.  Which is not true. Americans, in fact are given more easy passing to almost all countries. (396 words) www.hasanyahya.com

Hasan A. Yahya is an Arab American scholar, and a professor of sociology. He published 20 plus books and 180 plus articles on sociology, psychology, politics, poetry, IQ Test Measurement and short stories in both Arabic and English. His articles may be found on articlesbase.com, Face book and other internet sites. His recent book published on Amazon titled: Diwan Lawlaki-Poetry, and Zawjatu al-Sultan, and other short stories, both in Arabic.(2009)

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/europeans-perceptions-of-the-usa-citizens-1065004.html

Hasan A. Yahya, Ph.D

I received recently a message through my email. It was a message about optimism, about a person who is  the kind of guy you love to hate.   The message was not organized and full of editing and grammatical mistakes, So I decided to refresh the message and rewrite it and add some of my poetry related to the subject. You may see also, my style of writing my own books and articles. The subject itself has certain value in my life in theory and practice. It might be beneficial for all to have the spirit of optimism. The rebuilt message with additions and reformation reads:

The person (let’s say john was his name) is  always in a good mood and always has something positive to  say.  When someone would ask him how he was doing, he  would reply, ‘If I were any better, I would be  twins!’ Two persons in one. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Optimistic John was there telling  the employee how to look on the positive side of the  situation.
 
Seeing this  style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked  him,

‘I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive person all of the time.  How do you make it?’ He replied,
 ’Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.  You can choose to be in a  good mood or in a bad  mood, and quickly I choose to be in the first choice.’
 
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or choose to learn from it.  I choose the second. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life.  I choose the second choice.

  ’Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,’ I protested.
 
 ’Yes, it is,’ he said.  ‘Life is all about  choices.  When you cut away all the junk, every  situation is a choice.  You choose how you react to situations.  You choose how people affect your mood.  You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.  The bottom line is:  It’s your choice how you want to live your life.’
 
I reflected on what he said.  Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business.  We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
 
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some
60 feet from a communications tower.  After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.  I saw him about six months after the accident.
 
When I asked him how he was, he replied, ‘If I were any better, I’d be twins, you want to see my
 scars?’
 
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.  ‘The first thing that went through my mind” He replied:  ‘was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter.’  

‘Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices:  I could choose to live or I could choose to die.  I chose to  live.’
 
‘Weren’t you scared?  Did you lose consciousness?’  I asked.  He continued, saying:

‘the paramedics were great.
 
They kept telling me I was going to be fine.  But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.  In their eyes, I
read ‘he’s a dead man’.  I knew I needed to take action.’
 
 ’What did you do?’ I asked.
 ’Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,’ said John.  ‘She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’  The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.  I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity”
 
Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live.  Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.’
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.’  
 
After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Live as happy as you can. Tomorrow is coming with or without invitation. All people are going to one place sooner or later where:

 No food to  digest

No partner to have

Sex with, no crime

Committed for envy

No theft, no burglary

No stealing, no killing,

No work, no stress, no illness

No life, no lies

The only  job all people

Share is: Eternity of silence

Called Death

**********

Live your day

And don’t worry

About tomorrow

It’s coming, no doubt,

Be sure, that pushing hard

Or worrying more,

Tomorrow is always

Never late

So live your day.

***

Don’t worry and live your day

Tomorrow is certainly

Coming in its way

It is relaxing today

It is like today

Enjoy your day

Before it becomes yesterday.

***

Happiness from far away and die

When injustice occurs

But when it sustained hope returns alive

When justice occurs

Hope will return well and alive

***

(930 words) www.hasanyahya.com

Hasan Yahya is an Arab American scholar, and a professor of sociology. He published 20 plus books and 180 plus articles on sociology, psychology, politics, poetry, IQ Test Measurement and short stories in both Arabic and English. His articles may be found on articlesbase.com, Face book and other internet sites. His recent books published on Amazon titled: Diwan Lawlaki-Poetry, and Zawjatu al-Sultan, and other short stories, both in Arabic.(2009)

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/optimism-is-a-matter-of-choice-1065032.html

The Great Singapore Sale (often abbreviated as GSS) is an annual shopping event in Singapore.  Although it is called a sale, the Great Singapore Sale is in fact an event that is co-organised by the Singapore Tourism Board and many other retail companies, stores and malls to promote the tourism industry in Singapore.

During this period, many major stores and malls in the country will extend their shopping hours till 12 midnight and beyond on selected weekends. In this period, there will be special privileges specially created for tourists to enjoy the range of exclusive lifestyle promotions, including gourmet dining, wellness experience, and nightlife & entertainment options. Tourists can also apply for a Tourist Privilege Card in any Singapore Visitor Centre to enjoy special discounts from fashion apparel, accessories, jewellery, watches, electronic goods, cosmetics and fragrances, children toys to Singapore souvenirs, there will be discounted prices and even local attractions such as the DHL Balloon, Singapore DUCKtours and the Singapore Zoo.

The Great Singapore Sale has started on May 29, 2009 and will continue up to July 26, 2009. It is being organized by the Singapore Retailers Association, under support from Singapore Tourism Board and Spring Singapore. The official tourism publisher for the event is TTG Publishing. The media partner for this major shopping event is SPH, while the industry partners are The Association of Shopping Centers (Singapore), Orchard Road and Baywatch Association. Master Card, the official card for the event, has announced a large number of special offers to tourists who pay with Master Cards.

Some of the dealers participating in the event include Toy Universe (at the Takashimaya Department Store), Club 21 Bazaar (a popular international retail chain that specializes in selling gemstones and jewelry), Charles Tyrwhitt (clothing merchants), John Little, Paragon (renowned dealer in designer clothing), Pumpkin Patch (renowned manufacturer of clothing for children).

The Great Singapore Shopping Challenge- The Great Singapore Shopping Challenge 2009 is a part of the yearly GSS event, in which participants are given S$1000 each and a list of the types of items that they have to shop for. The group that makes the most savings on their purchases win the contest. The participants get to keep whatever they purchase, and the winners receive additional prizes.

The author is an entertainment news editor and works for many websites related to event, bollywood, music, movie, concerts and theater. Visit one more interesting article of author: Bauchklang – Beatbox Groove Project with Dj Ash & DJ Janux or http://www.buzzintown.com/?120286

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/the-great-singapore-sale-2009-1056365.html

The Sons of the Lord God in Bible versus Quran (13)

This is the 13th article of the series:” The Sons of the Lord God in Bible versus Quran”. 

The Bible says that Jesus gave authority to those who believed in his name to become sons of God; they are children who were not born of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God; of God (the Almighty Creator) they were begotten.

On the other hand, the Noble Quran says that Allah (the Almighty Creator) has no sons.  Also, the Quran declares that Jesus said: Allah is my Lord and I am a servant and I am not a god.  In addition, the Quran declares that it is an unforgivable sin when you say or believe that the Almighty Creator has a son or sons; this major sin will lead to the Eternal Fire in the Hereafter.

On the other hand, the Noble Quran says that John, the son of the prophet Zachariah, was a great prophet; he was born in a miraculous way; and both John and Jesus were great prophets; and both were born in a miraculous way.

——————————————————————–

 

The Sons of the Lord God in the Bible (13)

 

The Bible (John 1:6-13) says that Jesus gave authority to those who believed in his name to become sons of God; they are children who were not born of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God; of God (the Almighty Creator) they were begotten.

——————————————–

 

John 1:6-13 in four different versions of the Bible:

 

New International Version

6There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John.

7He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe.

8He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

9The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.

10He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.

12Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—13children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.

 

New American Standard Bible

6There came a man sent from God, whose name was John.

 7He came as a witness, to testify about the Light, so that all might believe through him.

8He was not the Light, but he came to testify about the Light.

9There was the true Light which, coming into the world, enlightens every man.

10He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him.

11He came to His own, and those who were His own did not receive Him.

12But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name,

13who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

 

King James Version

6There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.

8He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.

9That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.

10He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.

11He came unto his own, and his own received him not.

12But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name:

13Which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God.

 

English Standard Version

6There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him.

8 He was not the light, but came to bear witness about the light.

9The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world.

10He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him.

11He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him.

12But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, 13who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

 

==================================

 

The Sons of the Lord God in the Quran (13)

 

In the quoted verses herein, Jesus said 1) O Children of Israel worship Allah and declare His divine Oneness, 2) Allah is my Lord and He is your Lord, I am a servant and I am not a god. 3) Lo! Whoso ascribes partners or son(s) unto Allah and dies in this state, for him Allah has forbidden Paradise. His abode, his end result is the Eternal Fire and 4) and for the wrongdoers, there shall be no helpers to guard them against the chastisement of God.

These were four statements of the Lord Jesus, the great Prophet which Allah has sent to the children of Israel.

The Noble Quran makes the topic of the son(s) of God very clear and says that Allah, the Almighty Creator, has neither a son nor a partner.

The Quran decisively forbids saying and/or believing that Allah has a son(s).

It is not befitting for the Majesty of Allah to take to Himself a son.

Allah is exalted, magnified; He is above what they associate with Him of son or partners.  Allah is far transcendent above all that they ascribe unto Him!

In Islam, this point is very important faith wise.

1. Again, it is an unforgivable sin to say or to believe that the One Almighty Creator [who is Allah or God or the Lord or Jehovah or whatever name(s) you are giving Him] has a son or sons.

From the Islamic point of view, the conclusion of this essential topic that may establish or destroy the faith is that:

Any one who believe that the Almighty Creator has a son or sons; he messes his faith up and is considered as a disbeliever and in the afterlife he will end up as an eternal inhabitant of the Eternal hell.

Any one who believes that the Almighty Creator has no son or partner, he has a good faith and is considered as a believer; and in the afterlife, he will end up as an eternal inhabitant of the Eternal Paradise. 

Verses 5:17 and 5:72 make the topic of the son(s) of God plain, clear and understandable.

——————————————–

 

The meanings of verses 5:17 and 5:72:

 

The meanings of verse 5:17

 

They indeed are disbelievers those who say, ‘Allah (God) is the Christ Jesus, the son of Mary’, insofar as they make him a god.

Say to them O Muhammad: ‘Who then can do aught against Allah, who can save from Allah’s punishment, who then can defend, against, the chastisement of, Allah (God) if He desires, if He had willed to destroy, to punish the Christ Jesus, the son of Mary, and his mother, and all those who are on earth and everyone on earth who worshipped Jesus?

That is to say, none can do anything of the sort, since if Jesus was a god, he would be able to do so.

This form of interrogation is to declare that Jesus is not a god and Allah is the only one God who can do everything as He wills.

Allah’s is the Sovereignty of the heavens and the earth, to Him belong the kingdom and the stores of the heavens and earth and all that is between them of created things and marvels.

He creates what He wills as He wills, He can create a man whether a father exists or not.

And Allah is Able to do all things, in terms of creating created beings, rewarding His allies and punishing His enemies; He has power over everything, which He wills.

 

The meanings of verse 5:72

 

They surely disbelieve who say: Indeed! Allah (God) is the Christ Jesus, the son of Mary. 

For Jesus (himself) said (the followings):

1) O Children of Israel worship Allah, declare Allah’s divine Oneness,

2) Allah is my Lord and He is your Lord, I am a servant and I am not a god.

3) Lo! Whoso ascribes partners or son(s) unto Allah and dies in this state, for him Allah has forbidden Paradise. His abode, his end result is the Eternal Fire.

In other words, Jesus said: Verily he who associates anything with God, in worship, for him God has made Paradise forbidden, He has forbidden him admittance to it, and his abode shall be the Fire.

4) For evil-doers, idolaters, and disbelievers there will be no helpers to save them from what is intended for them.

In other words, Jesus said: and for wrongdoers there shall be no helpers to guard them against the chastisement of Allah.

——————————————-

 

Verses 5:17 and 5:72 of the Noble Quran in four different translations:

 

Verse 5:17

 

QARIB: those who say that Allah is the Christ, son of Mary are indeed those who disbelieved. Say: ‘who then could prevent any thing from Allah, if he willed to destroy the Christ, son of Mary, together with his mother and all the people of the earth? For Allah is the kingdom of the heavens and the earth and all that lies between them. He creates what he will and has power over all things. ‘

SHAKIR: certainly they disbelieve who say: surely, Allah– he is the Christ, son of Marium. Say: who then could control anything as against Allah when he wished to destroy the Christ son of Marium and his mother and all those on the earth? And Allah’s is the kingdom of the heavens and the earth and what is between them; he creates what he pleases; and Allah has power over all things,

PICKTHAL: they indeed have disbelieved who say: lo! Allah is the Christ, son of Mary. Say: who then can do aught against Allah, if he had willed to destroy the Christ son of Mary, and his mother and everyone on earth? Allah’s is the sovereignty of the heavens and the earth and all that is between them. He createth what he will. and Allah is able to do all things.

YUSUFALI: in blasphemy indeed are those that say that Allah is Christ the son of Mary. say: “who then hath the least power against Allah, if his will were to destroy Christ the son of Mary, his mother, and all every – one that is on the earth? for to Allah belongeth the dominion of the heavens and the earth, and all that is between. he createth what he pleaseth. For Allah hath power over all things.”

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Verse 5:72

 

QARIB: the unbelievers are those who say: ‘Allah is the Christ, the son of Mary. ‘But the Christ said: ‘children of Israel worship Allah, my lord and your lord. ‘He who associates anything with Allah, Allah has indeed forbidden paradise to him, and his abode shall be in the fire. The harmdoers shall have no helpers.

SHAKIR: certainly they disbelieve who say: surely Allah, he is the Christ, son of Marium; and the Christ said: o children of Israel! Serve Allah, my lord and your lord. Surely whoever associates (others) with Allah, then Allah has forbidden to him the garden, and his abode is the fire; and there shall be no helpers for the unjust

PICKTHAL: they surely disbelieve who say: lo! Allah is the Christ, son of Mary. the Christ (himself) said: o children of Israel, worship Allah, my lord and your lord. lo! Whoso ascribeth partners unto Allah, for him Allah hath forbidden paradise. his abode is the fire. for evil-doers there will be no helpers.

YUSUFALI: they do blaspheme who say: “Allah is Christ the son of Mary.” but said Christ: “o children of Israel! Worship Allah, my lord and your lord.” whoever joins other gods with Allah, – Allah will forbid him the garden, and the fire will be his abode. There will for the wrong-doers be no one to help.

 

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Back to my question to the smart and interested reader:

Is the Quran quoted from the Bible?

Professor Dr. Ibrahim Khalil
Prof. of Clinical and Chemical Pathology,
Head of Clinical Microbiology and Infection Control Unit,
Ain-Shams University. Cairo, Egypt.
And, President of the Egyptian Society of Inventors.
Member of the Egyptian union of Writers

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/in-bible-versus-quran-children-born-not-of-blood-but-born-of-god-1057433.html

Jokes are something that we all can enjoy no matter how much of a mood we are in. They grant us the chance we demand to put a smile on our face and think about something other then how much we really could do without our boss or those bills that are stacking up at the house. Even if we are already in a good mood they manage to make us feel evne better. It’s time to share with you a few funny jokes so you have the ability to give them to others.

Snail Walk

A snail slid into a bar. Unfortunately the barman didn’t allow snails to come inside and kicked him out. A year passed and the exact same snail came back inside of the bar. He walked up to the barman and said, “Why did you do that?”

Definition Of An Idiot

A son walks up to his father and asks him what an idiot is. His father replies, “An idiot is someone who is attempting to explain ideas to someone in a way that is long and dull and does not make any sense to anyone. Do you understand?” His son looks back in confusion and says, “No!”

One Day To Live

A man gets a phone call from his doctor who tells him that he has great and horrible news to share with him.
“What is the great news,” asks the man.
“You have 24 hours to live!”
“Oh no! Then what is the bad news?”
“I forgot to call and tell you this yesterday.”

Learn how to make people Laugh and put a smile on their face with the best in Funny Short Jokes.

Article Source:http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/smile-today-with-some-funny-clean-jokes-1058114.html